Why People-Pleasing Actually Damages Relationships

We’ve all heard the term “people-pleaser” get thrown around, usually when describing individuals who are perceived to be accommodating, hard working “team players” who are caring and selfless. While all of these words may accurately describe a person with people-pleasing tendencies, these behaviors and tendencies are not typically rooted in selflessness, flexibility, or a true and genuine desire to “be nice.” More often, they are rooted in discomfort with perceived or real confrontation, low self worth (resulting in difficulty prioritizing one’s own needs or wants), a need for approval/praise/validation, and/or placing high levels of importance on how others perceive you. Not surprisingly, there are usually additional layers that can be explored from here to help build understanding around why these contributing factors exist in the first place — but that’s a discussion for another time. For today, we’re going to explore the impact that people-pleasing can have on relationships, and why — even though it feels beneficial in the moment — it actually does more harm than good in the long run.

First, let’s get clear on what we mean when we talk about people-pleasing. This can look different for different people, and it isn’t always just about having a difficult time saying no. Someone with strong people-pleasing tendencies may feel a strong need to be liked by others, which can influence behaviors and ways of engaging in relationships. For example, you might have a tendency to tell others what they want to hear (or what you think they want to hear), rather than voicing your own opposing opinions, views, desires, etc. Here’s a classic example: a group of your friends are trying to decide on what restaurant to go to for dinner. You pipe in to say, “I’m fine with anything!” when in all reality, you’ve been dying to go back to your favorite Italian restaurant. Of course, there may be scenarios where you genuinely have no preference, or where it feels easier to just let others decide rather than trying to brainstorm. But there may also be times where you withhold your own desires to let the wants of others take priority — this would be a classic example of people-pleasing. Another example may be expressing agreement with another person’s opinion, even if you aren’t fully on board, or have opposing views. You may find yourself expressing differing and incongruent opinions depending on who you’re talking to, rather than standing firm and consistent in what you think or feel. In the moment, it may feel as though this is the path of least resistance: the one that allows you to avoid any sort of conflict or difficult conversation, and the one that may result in the other person being happiest with you, or maybe even liking you more.

These tendencies can certainly creep in across other facets of relationships as well. For example, you may find it difficult to be upfront and honest when a friend, partner, family member, or colleague has done something to upset you or hurt your feelings. Sharing your emotional response runs the risk of upsetting the other person, creating conflict, or engaging in a difficult conversation, which may feel more uncomfortable than holding your emotions in and masking what you’re feeling. It may also feel difficult to say “no” to requests from other people, whether that be when your boss tries to hand you another project at work, when your partner asks you to make an extra stop on your way home, or when your friend asks you to take the lead in planning their birthday party. Don’t get me wrong, there may be some times when you want to say yes to others, or when it feels important to say yes for other legitimate reasons. But here, we’re talking about the times when you say yes, but you want to say no. You may end up finding yourself overextended, burnt out, and holding responsibility for more things than you have the capacity for.

So, how do these behaviors end up impacting relationships? First, we’ll start with the potential positives. These are the reasons why you might continue engaging in these behaviors, because on some level, it feels like they’re working. First, it’s very possible that you receive praise or validation for these tendencies. For example, “Tracy always goes above and beyond at her job — she’s always willing to take on an extra project and help out her coworkers. She’s a true team player.” Or, “Sarah always puts others first. She’s generous, selfless, and is always thinking about how she can help her friends and family.” Or maybe, “Tom is so easygoing and flexible. He’s great to hang out with because he goes with the flow.” Let’s be honest here: this type of praise usually feels great! It’s natural and normal to want others to like you or praise your efforts. The thing is, this usually comes at a cost, and the positive feelings that come from receiving praise and validation is usually short-term and fleeting. When we say “yes” to more than we can reasonably take on, or refrain from expressing our needs and wants, that can lead to both burnout and resentment. It’s not uncommon for people-pleasers to end up feeling resentful towards others for the situations that they’re in, when really, they’ve often contributed to the circumstances by not holding boundaries, saying no, or verbalizing their needs and wants. For example, you may think, “We always do what my friends want to do. It doesn’t seem like they actually care about what I want,” when the reality is that your friends may not know what you want because you haven’t spoken up. Similarly, you may fall into the trap of thinking, “My boss has no respect for my time and just keeps piling the work on,” or, “My coworkers always come to me to cover for them when they need help.” Your feelings about being overworked may be very valid, and at the same time, it’s important to consider whether or not you’ve actually communicated your limits and boundaries to those you work with (I recognize that this is all easier said than done!). In short, it can feel easier in the moment to go along with what the other person is asking of you or suggesting, but in the long run, this can build resentment, which can be very damaging for relationships.

Further, people-pleasing can lead to inauthentic relationships and connections. Here’s why: when you’re telling people what you think they want to hear, you’re not actually letting them see you. This can be true whether you’re holding back from sharing your emotions with someone (for example, you don’t tell your friend that their comment actually hurt your feelings because you want to avoid the potentially awkward/uncomfortable situation), or whether you find yourself acting like a social chameleon as you move from group to group to be the person you think they want to see. As cheesy as it may sound, if you’re always following along with others’ opinions, beliefs, behaviors, etc. and abandoning your own, people don’t get to see the real you. While it may feel as though you get along great, it will also be difficult to feel secure in a relationship where you know that you’re not being true to yourself or showing the other person who you really are.

So, there you have it: just a couple of reasons why people-pleasing can actually be damaging to relationships, rather than helpful. While a bit cliché to say, it’s true that the first step to making changes to these types of behaviors is building awareness around them, while also giving yourself compassion and grace. It can be difficult to change patterns that have likely been solidifying for years, especially when they do work for you in some ways, or maybe have worked for you in the past. If this is something that you want to make changes around, I’d recommend exploring why you feel that people-pleasing has become a pattern for you personally, and then making small but consistent changes and building as you move forward. Change is hard, but we’re all capable of it!

Disclaimer: This blog post is not a substitute for therapy or other mental health services, is not meant to comprehensively apply to every person’s experiences, and is for informational purposes only.