Family Dynamics, Boundaries, & The Holidays
While the holidays can certainly be a joyful and happy time, they can also bring with them stress, sadness, loneliness, grief, and so forth - the list can go on. As most of us are well aware, the reality is that the holidays are not always the “happiest time of the year,” and the reasons for this can vary greatly. For many, the idea of spending concentrated amounts of time with immediate/extended family can feel overwhelming, or it can feel difficult to juggle time between multiple households. Whatever the specific reason, know this: if family stresses you out around the holidays, you aren’t alone. And while there’s no quick fix or one-size-fits-all approach to navigating this stress, I did want to provide some practical, action-oriented steps you can take to help navigate family dynamics, boundary issues, and to (hopefully) help make the holidays more enjoyable. As always, feel free to take what works for you, and leave what doesn’t fit or doesn’t apply.
Know Where Your Boundaries Are
“Boundaries” is such a vague term, and people can push or cross our boundaries in dozens of different ways. For example, maybe you have a parent who won’t stop asking questions or making comments about your dating life or when you and your spouse are going to start having children. Or, maybe you have family members who expect you to take on a disproportionate amount of the household and holiday-related tasks when you’re home. Maybe there’s a lack of respect for your privacy and space when you’re home. Whatever it is, you get the gist.
Before you arrive home for the holidays, do some reflection around what boundaries you want to try to maintain while you’re home, and try to get clear on how you plan to do that. If you have intentions set before you’re in the situation, it will be easier to navigate these circumstances when you’re faced with them.
Plan For Some Alone Time
While this may seem simple, it’s an idea that many people often overlook. Spending constant time with family may feel like the default expectation if you’re home for the holidays, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, having time away from your family here can give your nervous system a break from any stress you’re experiencing, and can also give you a chance to pause and reflect on what’s irking you while you’re visiting. Before you get there, try to identify a few opportunities for some alone time, whether that’s heading to bed a bit earlier than others so that you can have some downtime before bed, volunteering to go out and run some holiday errands solo, heading outside for a walk, etc.
Cut the Comparisons
Lots of us have tendencies to compare our experiences to others, which generally only makes things feel worse (no surprises there). So when you see friends or acquaintances sharing their lovely holiday experiences on social media, remember that most families, if not all, experience some level of stress or struggle around the holidays. You aren’t the only one who might dread going home, who might be wishing for the holidays to end early, or who might just be feeling burnt out by the end. Normalizing our experiences and remembering that we aren’t alone can help them to feel less isolating.
Stop Thinking in Black and White
Remember that multiple thoughts and emotions can be true at the same time, even if they feel like they’re in conflict with each other. It can be true that you love your family dearly, enjoy spending some time with them, and that long periods of time can feel like a lot. It can be true that you’re grateful for your sister, and that you wish she’d behave a bit differently. When we move away from black and white thinking and acknowledge the existence of multiple emotions at once, it can help to regulate the intensity of some of the more upsetting emotions (it can also help to reduce the guilt that many people experience for feeling stressed out by family).
Get Honest With Yourself About Your Role
This is certainly not to suggest that you’re to blame for the things that feel hard in family dynamics, and at the same time, it can be helpful to get really honest with yourself about how your behaviors may be a part of the dynamics that upset you. For example, if your family always expects you to wrap the gifts, cook, and clean, and you continue to go along with it while building resentment, it might be worth taking accountability for your choice to continue doing the cooking/cleaning/etc. Sure, it’s annoying that they expect it of you, but they also might expect it from you (in part) because you continue to do it. When we take accountability for our roles in dynamics that aren’t working for us, it often helps to reduce the resentment that has built towards others, and can provide an opportunity to make some changes.
Disclaimer: This blog post is not a substitute for therapy or other mental health treatment, and is intended for educational purposes only. Advice or recommendations outlined in this blog post may not be suitable for all.
