How To Stop The Pattern Of Avoidance
It’s so normal to want to avoid things that will cause physical or emotional discomfort — this is probably the most natural, human tendency out there. But just because it’s natural and normal, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s helpful. The thing about avoidance is that when we avoid doing something uncomfortable, we’re usually met with immediate, short-term relief. Temporarily, it may feel better to skip out on that doctor’s appointment that’s causing you anxiety, whereas going would mean exposing yourself to the anxiety, stress, and nervousness.
But in the longer term, avoidance typically makes things worse. Using the example above, avoiding a doctor’s appointment could mean missed healthcare, which could have negative impacts on one’s physical health. Avoiding your homework will ultimately mean that you’re faced with a mountain of work when you’re closer to your deadline. There are countless examples that come to mind when we think of situations where avoidance might backfire.
However, avoidance can actually backfire when it comes to your anxiety and mental health as well. As mentioned above, if we avoid something that causes anxiety, there’s typically some short-term relief: you don’t have to do the thing that was creating anxiety, and now you temporarily get to experience a more calm or relaxed state. But what ends up happening is that when avoidance becomes a pattern, it actually makes the anxiety worse than it was before. This is because, by avoiding uncomfortable/anxiety-inducing tasks, actions, situations, etc., we are slowly teaching our brains, “You can’t tolerate this. This needs to be avoided in the future.” Essentially, we are teaching our brains that the thing actually is unsafe, which creates increased fear, anxiety, and discomfort around the idea of trying to tackle it in the future.
For example, a person struggling with social anxiety may not want to go to a party with friends if their anxiety is surfacing. Of course, there are times when it’s okay to skip out on a social gathering, and there may be times where this is the most beneficial call. But let’s say that, in this situation, the person decides not to go purely based off of the anxiety they are feeling. There’s the instant feeling of relief that comes along with backing out, and so next time a social gathering comes up, the person remembers how good it felt to decline the invitation and avoid their anxiety. Over time, a pattern of social isolation develops, and the idea of attending a party begins to feel even scarier than it did that first time. Now, breaking the cycle of avoidance feels so much more challenging than it may have felt to just go to the party that first time around.
This example is quite simplified, but the point is clear: continuously avoiding something typically makes it feel worse, and it feels even harder to get “back in the saddle,” so to speak. So, how do we intervene in this cycle and help to get things back on track?
First, it’s important to have a good understanding as to why you’re avoiding the thing and why it’s producing anxiety or discomfort. To help build insight here, reflect on questions like, “What am I afraid will happen if I do ___? Is there a specific outcome that I’m worried about? Is there a feeling or emotion that I don’t want to experience? Have I had negative experiences doing ____ before?” Depending on the person and situation, some people have crystal clear insights into why they’re experiencing the anxiety they’re feeling. Other times, it can feel much more murky and confusing. Simply being able to understand the anxiety can make a huge difference in how intense it feels, so getting clear as to what’s coming up for you is an important step. If you do identify specific fears or worries, this also gives you the opportunity to challenge your fearful thoughts.
From here, start building your tolerance for discomfort by gradually exposing yourself to the thing that’s causing anxiety. Gradual exposure (or in other words, baby steps) is important because it helps you to build your confidence in your ability to cope with the situation, while also re-teaching your brain that you can handle it. Gradual exposure also helps to ensure that you aren’t taking on too much too quickly. So, if we go back to our example around social anxiety: gradual exposure for this person may mean getting together with one or two close friends in a familiar and comfortable environment. Then, potentially going to dinner with a small handful of friends, then continuing with small and incremental steps until it feels realistic to think about attending a larger gathering or party again. Of course, the specifics are going to vary greatly from one person and situation to another, but the aim is to continue slowly pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so that you can expand your window of tolerance.
It may be important to also identify some coping and calming strategies for managing anxiety as it arises. Know that, even if you experience anxiety with the baby steps, you’re not doing anything wrong — in fact, you’re probably doing a great job by exposing yourself to a tolerable level of anxiety. And if you accidentally venture too far into the deep end too quickly, that’s okay! Just take a couple of steps back, remember that this does not ruin your progress, and that you can always make adjustments to your approach based on your experiences and your reactions.
Disclaimer: This blog post is not a substitute for therapy or other mental health treatment, and is intended for educational purposes only. Advice or recommendations outlined in this blog post may not be suitable for all.
