How Do I Break Up With My Therapist? 3 Reasons it Might be Time to End and How to Talk About It
When you got started with therapy, you may not have thought ahead to the part where therapy comes to an end. When most people start therapy, they’re focused on everything they’re experiencing while in the midst of the tunnel, rather than thinking about what happens when they reach the end of it. This makes sense: more often than not, people turn to therapy during difficult times. It’s understandable that one would be preoccupied or consumed by the thing that’s bringing them into therapy, rather than thinking months (or years) into the future about the ending of therapy.
The reality is that therapy is typically not intended to be a lifelong service. This does not mean that therapy cannot be long-term, and it does not mean that once you end therapy, you can never return. Rather, it means that therapy is most often intended to support the client around specific goals. When goals are met, it may make sense to reevaluate the purpose for therapy and identify new goals, or it may make sense to end therapy or take a break. Alternatively, sometimes goals are not met, and it may be appropriate to transfer to a provider who has a different skill set or area of expertise that might help to further one’s progress. Lastly, there are some cases where it’s just not the right fit from the beginning, which can feel tricky to navigate.
Regardless of the reason, it’s important to recognize when therapy is no longer serving you. It’s possible that your therapist may be noticing the same things, and that they may introduce the topic of ending. But, in the event that they don’t, let’s explore three common reasons why people want to end therapy, how to know when it’s time, and how to approach the topic with your therapist.
You’ve met your goals and you don’t feel you’re continuing to benefit from therapy
First of all, if this is you, congratulations! You’ve likely put a lot of hard work into therapy in order to have reached this place. Very generally speaking, you might know if you’ve reached your goals in therapy if the sessions no longer feel as challenging or stimulating (for example, if it feels there’s nothing to talk about and as though you’re just chatting), when you can notice changes in yourself that are carried outside of session, and/or when you feel as though you’ve developed the tools and skills you need in order to sustain the progress you’ve made. Of course, this may look different from person to person, given that people go to therapy for different reasons.
While it may feel uncomfortable or awkward to tell your therapist that you feel therapy is no longer needed, keep in mind that this is actually a great thing. More likely than not, this is what your therapist has hoped for you (even if they’ll feel sad to say goodbye to you)! To help ease the feelings of discomfort, keep in mind that your therapist does not expect you to work with them forever. It’s also important to remember that your therapist’s feelings are not yours to hold. So, while it’s unlikely that they would be hurt or upset in a situation like this, that’s on them to manage — not you.
To broach the subject, you may let them know that you’ve been noticing sustained changes and that you’ve really been reflecting on the progress you’ve made. Depending on whether or not you want their input and recommendations, you might check in to get their perspective and see what they recommend for ongoing treatment and termination. You may consider expressing appreciation for the support they’re provided, and letting them know that you’d like to work towards ending therapy.
The termination process can vary from case to case, but it’s possible that your therapist may recommend decreasing the frequency of sessions to begin the transition out of therapy. Your therapist may also recommend continuing to meet for a set amount of time (possibly 3-4 weeks) to complete any work that’s being done and to ensure that you are taking what you need from therapy in order to sustain your progress. With all of this, keep in mind that your therapist’s recommendations are just that: recommendations. If they don’t feel like they fit for you, talk it through with your therapist. It may be that their rationale actually makes sense, or it may be that it’s truly not what feels right for you. At the end of the day, it is going to be your decision when you end.
You aren’t making progress, and you want to end (or try working with someone new)
I want to acknowledge that these situations can feel frustrating and discouraging. Most people go to therapy because they want to see change, and when progress isn’t being made, it can leave people feeling stuck, or even hopeless. There are a few different things you may want to consider here, depending on your relationship with your therapist, the goodness of fit, and your own judgment of the situation.
If you are feeling stuck, it may be worth having a conversation about this with your therapist before jumping to termination. I say this because there are many reasons why people plateau in therapy, or do not make progress. One of them can certainly be that it’s not the right match between client and therapist. It can also be that your therapist isn’t aware their approach isn’t helpful (and therefore hasn’t changed things up), that it’s normal to plateau at the stage in treatment you’re in with the particular issue you’re addressing, and/or that there may be room for additional work outside of session in order to make more progress towards the things being addressed in therapy.
With all that in mind, it may be worth being honest with your therapist about how you’re feeling. You might say, “I’m feeling really stuck lately, and it hasn’t seemed as though I’ve been making progress for a little while. I’m not sure why. Can we talk about that?” Your therapist will likely be willing to explore this with you. It’s possible that this conversation may actually benefit your ongoing work with with this therapist, as it may help them to better understand what is and is not helpful for you specifically. If applicable, they may also be able to help you understand why things aren’t progressing (e.g. if it’s a normal experience at your stage in treatment, if other factors may be contributing, etc.).
Alternatively, it may truly feel as though your therapist is not the right fit for you, either because their clinical approach is not helpful to you, or because the issues you want to address are outside of their skill set or expertise. If this is the case, I recommend bringing this up in session in a direct manner. You may consider saying something like, “I have really appreciated your time and support so far. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and even though I enjoy working with you, I really don’t feel that I’m making the progress that I want to see. I’d like to end our work together, but I do want to continue therapy so I can keep working towards my goals. Is there anyone you would recommend who [specializes in specific issue] or who has an approach that is [more gentle/more direct/less structured/more structured/more casual/etc.]?” Remember, your therapist ultimately wants what is best for you, and if that’s working with another provider who can support you more effectively, they will be okay with that.
It’s just not the right fit.
Sometimes, it’s just not the right fit. This is okay, and it happens from time to time. No therapist can be the right fit for every client, and because your therapist understands that, it’s unlikely that they would take this personally. More often than not, clients can tell within the first couple of sessions if they feel like there’s a good connection (or the potential for a good connection) between them and the therapist. If you truly don’t feel as though you’re going to click with your therapist, this is important to listen to. Research shows us that the number one predictor of progress in therapy is the quality of the therapeutic relationship. This means that, above all else, the most important factor in how effective therapy will be is the strength of your therapeutic relationship with your provider. In turn, if you do not have a strong, trusting, or comfortable working relationship with your therapist (or if one doesn’t develop in time), progress will be hindered significantly.
There’s also the fact that, if you’re going to be spending about 50 minutes per week talking to your therapist, you want to like them and feel comfortable with them. If it doesn’t feel like the right match, it’s okay to briefly let your therapist know this in session. You can say, “I appreciate your time in meeting with me, and while it’s been great chatting, I don’t think it’s quite the right match for me going forward.” If having this conversation in-person feels too daunting, it’s also okay to send a brief email. Once again, keep in mind that your therapist likely will not take this personally, but if they do, that’s on them to manage.
No matter your reason, it’s important to have these conversations with your therapist if you are feeling as though ending therapy is in your best interest. The uncomfortable nature of the conversation can lead people to avoid it altogether, oftentimes abruptly disengaging in contact with their therapist (not responding to calls and emails, missing appointments, etc.), or continuing to work with a provider even though it doesn’t feel beneficial. In order to combat the discomfort, continue to remind yourself: your therapist expects you to end therapy eventually, your therapist’s feelings will likely not be hurt, and if your therapist’s feelings are hurt, it is their responsibility to manage that. The most likely outcome of approaching this subject with them? Your therapist will be proud of you for having a tough conversation, you’ll feel more empowered, and you’ll be taking a helpful step for yourself.
