People-Pleasing & Perfectionism

Perhaps you want to make sure that those around you are happy - that they’re taken care of, that you’re helping, and that you’re fixing whatever needs to be fixed. But, you find that this comes at a cost. Resentment can start to build, and you find that you can only fit so much on your plate at once. Even still, it feels excruciatingly difficult to say “no” to the plans with friends that you don’t have time for, the extra work project that stretches you beyond capacity, or the favor that your friend/partner/family member has asked of you. You worry about disappointing people. You want to be liked, and maybe deep down, it feels as though your value is in your ability to help others.

You might also find yourself wanting to do really well at the things you set out to do. You place pressure on yourself to be high-achieving in different areas of your life, and you’re likely a dream student or employee. You might not know where this pressure comes from, but the idea of loosening up on things can feel scary, because you worry your performance and outcomes might slip. It’s possible that you’re critical of your weight, your appearance, how you act, and the things you say. You worry that if you don’t do your best, you won’t be good enough.

When exploring these issues in therapy, I often use a psychodynamic approach to start. This means that we may explore why you derive your self-worth from people-pleasing and/or perfection so that you may gain a better understanding and awareness of the roots of these struggles. We might look back at different messages that were sent to you (intentionally or unintentionally) throughout formative childhood and/or adolescent years, or explore different experiences that shaped some of your core beliefs about yourself. From here, we’ll work together to identify the patterns that you want to change, and how you can begin to implement these changes. Change often comes with discomfort, and I’m here to help you navigate that so that you can move forward with therapy in a way that’s effective for you. We’ll also talk about what’s working well with these tendencies: it’s likely that your people-pleasing and/or perfectionism has really helped you in some ways, so we’ll figure out how to continue utilizing your strengths in a manner that’s less draining for you. Finally, we’ll make sure that we’re identifying new ways you can recognize your value, knowing that it does not solely come from what you can do for others, or the outcomes that you generate.

Therapy can help you to find a balance where you get your needs met, recognize your value and worth in new ways, and continue supporting others and performing well without burning yourself out and building resentment. I’m currently offering in-person therapy in South Portland, ME, as well as virtual therapy to those living throughout the states of Maine, Massachusetts, and Florida. I would love to hear from you — if you’re interested in working together, please book a free consultation call today!