6 Ways to Support Your Teen After Trauma
It’s so natural that, as a parent, you would want to protect your child from any of the hard or dangerous things that the world might throw at them. It can also feel heartbreaking to know that your child has experienced something painful, harmful, dangerous, etc., and to not know how to take their pain away from them. In my experience of working with youth who have experienced trauma, one of the most commonly asked questions I get from parents is, “How can I help them?” Knowing what to say, what to do, and how to navigate the twists and turns isn’t easy, and unfortunately, there isn’t a guidebook with a direct path to healing, or a one-size-fits-all approach. Even still, there are some ways that you can support your teenager, and these seemingly small actions can go a lot further than you might think. Below are six ways that you can support your teenager after they experience something traumatic.
Validate their experience(s) and let them know that you believe them. For so many, the fear of not being believed, or the fear of being judged or blamed, can prevent people from telling others about what happened to them. With that in mind, it’s so important to come right out and tell your child that you believe them, rather than leaving them to guess where you stand or what you think. Validating them is also hugely important, and this can be done in very simple ways (e.g., “What you went through was so hard, and I can see that it’s painful.”)
Remind them that what happened was not their fault. The self-blame that many people experience after a traumatic event is not only painful, but it also impacts the ways in which they perceive themselves, and it can get in the way of healing. While it’s not up to you to control how your teenager views themselves or what happened, it can be very meaningful to let them know that you do not blame them for what happened, and to tell them that it wasn’t their fault. Their perception might not shift right away, and that’s okay — be patient with them if this is the case.
Respect their privacy and keep what happened in confidence. Of course, there may be instances in which safety is a concern, and this may need to be prioritized over confidentiality. But, when possible, it’s important to respect your teen’s privacy around what happened. When a person experiences something traumatic, they often experience a loss of control. This can be exacerbated when they lose control over the narrative around what happened, or lose control over who knows about what happened. They deserve to have control over who knows about the trauma, and deserve respect around their possible wishes for privacy and confidentiality.
Let them know that they can talk to you about what happened. So often, kids and teens will worry about burdening their parents. They see how upset their parents already are about what happened, and don’t want to add to their plate or “make it worse” by talking about their struggles. For this reason (among others), it’s not uncommon for teens to mask the impacts of their trauma and put on a good face, or to isolate and refrain from talking to anybody. Letting your teenager know that they can talk to you about what happened — and that you can hear what they have to say and that you can handle it — can be so important and so helpful. Just as it’s important to let them know that they can talk to you about things, it’s also important to respect their privacy and space if/when they do not want to talk.
Increase routine and predictability in daily life. When we experience trauma, if often impacts our sense of safety in the world. Research has shown that increasing routine and predictability has positive impacts on kids and teens who have experienced trauma, because this helps to enhance feelings of safety and comfort. It’s important to note that there can be a difference between routine and rigidity, and that overly rigid, excessively-structured days/weeks may not be as helpful.
If they’re ready and willing, help seek out supportive resources. While therapy can be hugely important in helping individuals heal from trauma, it’s not the only option. Additional resources could include books, support groups, therapeutic groups, body/energy work (such as yoga therapy, reiki, acupuncture, etc.) and more.
If you’re experiencing emotional impacts from what happened, get your own support. It’s so natural and normal that parents might struggle emotionally after their child experiences trauma, or that a parent may experience secondary trauma. Getting your own help and support (through therapy or other modalities) may help to process your own emotions around the circumstances, which in turn allows you to be more effective in supporting your child.
At the end of the day, please remember that no parent gets this perfectly. Parenting is hard enough as is, and when you add trauma to the mix, things can become even more challenging. With that said, I encourage you to be gentle on yourself just as you would be your child.
Disclaimer: This post is for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual therapy or any other form of mental health treatment.
