Are You In An Abusive Relationship? How To Identify Emotional Abuse
When we think about trauma that can exist in relationships, most people immediately think of physical abuse. However, emotional abuse is also a form of domestic violence, and can be highly traumatic in its own right. One of the trickier aspects of emotional abuse is that it can be so very difficult to identify, especially if you’re the one who being abused. Why? Emotional abuse often does not seem as “black and white” as physical abuse. Further, the abuser often engages in gaslighting and other manipulation tactics to make the person doubt their perception and the validity of their experience. Additionally, if one grew up in a home that was abusive (physically or emotionally), emotionally abusive behaviors could have been normalized, leading present day experiences to feel “normal,” or maybe “not that bad” in comparison to other traumatic relationships. All together, when you add gaslighting and manipulation to a dynamic that can already feel a bit murky or subjective, it can be incredibly difficult for individuals to fully identify and acknowledge the relationship as one that is abusive, especially when they are still in that relationship.
All that said, there are some signs to look for that can be indicative of emotional abuse. But first, what is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is “a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings” (via Psychology Today). Emotional abuse is typically not a single comment or an isolated behavioral incident, and it often reveals itself gradually. Some of the most common warning signs or indicators of emotional abuse are:
The abuser isolates you from friends and family. This may not be done in a way that is especially noticeable. Often, victims of emotional abuse look back after a period of time, only to realize that somewhere along the way, they either lost touch with or cut out the people who were closest to them. The abuser may have convinced the person to distance themselves from friends or family in subtle ways, and may have used manipulation tactics to convince the person that the friendships/family relationships were not healthy. The abuser also may take more extreme actions, such as suggesting or implementing a relocation away from supports. An abuser isolates a person from their friends, family, and other supports because with this distance, the victim is less likely to share about the dynamics of the relationship with others. Without this, it is less likely that friends or family will intervene and express concern for the individual and the relationship. Ultimately, a person is more likely to stay in an abusive relationship if they don’t have supportive people to lean on for guidance or help getting out of the relationship.
The abuser is controlling. Again, this can be subtle at first as the abuser “tests the waters” to see what types of behaviors may or may not be tolerated, then can become more intense as the relationship progresses. An abuser may try to control how their partner dresses, where they go, what they do, who they see, what type of work they do, and more.
The relationship starts off as very intense, and escalates quickly. Of course, this alone does not indicate the presence of emotional abuse. However, in many abusive relationships, the abuser makes very strong efforts early on to secure a commitment from the other person. There may be grand gestures, claims of intense romantic feelings, and pressure to move forward into a committed relationship. This can be tricky to detect, because for many people, this type of progression in an early relationship may feel great. However, in abusive relationships, the abuser is typically trying to exert control over the other person by establishing a commitment early on.
The abuser does not take any accountability for their actions, and leads you to believe that everything is your fault. An abuser will typically blame the other person for their actions, saying things like, “If you hadn’t done____, I wouldn’t have gotten so angry and said what I said!” They may also manipulate the situation by making claims like, “I only lost my temper because I care so much about you,” or, “I wouldn’t be so jealous of other guys if you would just dress more conservatively and cover up more.”
The abuser intimidates you with threats of violence, or by damaging property (e.g. throwing things, punching things, etc.). Any type of behavior that leads the other person to feel unsafe can be a sign of emotional abuse (or the potential for physical abuse).
The abuser fluctuates from being charming and charismatic to explosive, moody, and angry. An abuser’s behavior can often be unpredictable, and the “low lows” are often met with “high highs.” With this, an abusive individual may be able to turn on the charm when needed, and may engage in romantic gestures, grand apologies, and more in an effort to keep their partner around. These types of behaviors are typically not reflective of sustainable changes, and are usually manipulation tactics to convince the other person to stay with them.
The abuser gives you the silent treatment. This is often a way of exerting control in the relationship, and is a very unhealthy mechanism for punishing the other person. The silent treatment can make a relationship feel emotionally unsafe, as it suggests that the feelings, needs, and voice of the other person are not even worth acknowledgement.
The abuser makes you feel responsible for their needs, and there is no space for your own needs. In many abusive relationships, the abuser’s needs become the focus, and it becomes the other person’s job to try to keep the abuser happy. The abuser may create expectations in the relationship in which their partner is almost akin to a servant whose role is to tend to their partner.
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around the abuser, or like you can never do anything right. In abusive relationships, one person often lives in fear of saying or doing the “wrong thing,” unsure of what may upset the abuser. Often, the abuser will spin this back onto the victim, and will blame them for being insensitive, inconsiderate, and so on.
The abuser belittles you, insults you, and puts you down. This is typically in an effort to slash down the other person’s confidence, sense of identity, and feelings of self worth. Why? Because if the other person is confident in themselves, they may be more confident in their abilities to leave the relationship. The abuser’s actions typically boil down to ways in which they can control their partners, and the first priority is typically to ensure that the other person does not leave the relationship.
If you suspect that you may be in an emotionally (or physically) abusive relationship, it can be important to seek professional support. The act of leaving an abusive relationship has the potential to be dangerous, so it is important to connect with both personal and professional supports who can help to navigate this tricky process. If you are experiencing domestic violence in your relationship, call 800-799-7233 or visit the Domestic Violence Hotline Website for support.
Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for information purposes only. Reading this blog post is not a substitute for therapy or any form of mental or physical health care.
